Why doesn't jesus play hockey?

Beacuse he's scared to get nailed to the boards.

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.

"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.

"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"

"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.

"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.

"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"

"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

"Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?"

"You already know your little brother has no arms and legs!"

"Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base."

"Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?"

"You already know your little brother has no arms and legs!"

"Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base."

Crime doesn't pay ...

Does that mean my job is a crime?

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

Why does Dolly Parton have such tiny feet?

Nothing grows in the shade.

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."

Why are guys like lava lamps?

They're fun to watch, but not very bright!