Archive for May, 2011

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail …

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  • Posted May 31, 2011 at 7:59 am
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"

The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"

The man replies, "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
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Filed under: odds and ends

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was …

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  • Posted May 30, 2011 at 3:59 pm
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
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Yo momma is so fat she don’t have to go on the internet, she is already world …

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  • Posted May 29, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Yo momma is so fat she don't have to go on the internet, she is already world wide!
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An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: “Have you ever been …

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  • Posted at 7:59 am
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"
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George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed …

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  • Posted May 28, 2011 at 7:59 am
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him.

He turned to Moses and said: "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied: "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
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A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ …

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  • Posted May 27, 2011 at 11:59 pm
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
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“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. “I suppose …

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  • Posted at 11:59 am
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious …

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  • Posted at 7:59 am
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2: 38! Turn from your sin!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman immediately called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
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What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

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  • Posted May 26, 2011 at 11:59 am
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.
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If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with …

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  • Posted May 25, 2011 at 11:59 pm
If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!
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Filed under: odds and ends