What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?

You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.

Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.

DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.

Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or the internet. So sadly, this will be my last joke. ... in which I talk about having a wife.

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk." She said, "Yes you are." I said, "No I'm not." She said, "Can you tell the time?" I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

I tried that thing today at the gas station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on $20.03. "Rats!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay. "Unlucky, pal," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry

If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found on the dashboard?

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential. Then he pushed me off a roof.