Yo momma is so greasy, Texaco buys Oil from her!

So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said,"I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

"Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him,"Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One" said the young salesman.

"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, You're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was,you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-seven-cent stamp on a letter and it can take four to five weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill
instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort
new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone
had made it through the chow line, he sat them
down and told them, “There are three rules in
this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he

Signs you're watching too much TV 1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?" 2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline. 3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out. 4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting b

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."