Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

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Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

They’re too hard to peel.

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What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris.

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
“Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

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Yo momma is so poor, when I ring the doorbell she says “DING!”

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You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.

Thank you.

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First guy proudly: “My wife’s an angel!”

Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

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Teacher: “Johnny why is your cat at school today?”

John (crying): “I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I’m going to eat your fuckin pussy!”

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Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

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