What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1) The viola burns longer.
2) The viola holds more beer.
3) You can tune the violin.
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If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.
Is he still wrong?
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"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
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If Windows 95 is the answer, how stupid must have been the question?
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Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
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A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.
The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know – April Fools!"
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
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Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you swallow?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I swallow! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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If men got pregnant … abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
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