Archive for January, 2008

Church members

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  • Posted January 25, 2008 at 5:23 pm

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

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The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

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It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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Filed under: Christian and Religious Jokes

The Blonde Flight Attendant

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  • Posted January 23, 2008 at 12:00 am

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your
room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three
doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has
a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

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Filed under: odds and ends

Tatoo

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  • Posted January 21, 2008 at 5:38 am

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

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So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”

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Filed under: Marriage, Anniversary and Wedding Jokes

Why its important to smile in pictures

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  • Posted January 12, 2008 at 3:08 am

why_its_important_to_smile_in_pictures.jpg

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Filed under: Very Funny Pictures

Student got the wrong moral of the story

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  • Posted January 10, 2008 at 5:03 am

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

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“Now, class observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms inside your stomach.”

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Spit out the tea u drank

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  • Posted January 4, 2008 at 11:55 am

One day three people were in a cafe drinking tea,
Three flies, one fell in each cup

Person numba 1 asked for another cup of tea

drinking-tea.jpg

Person numba 2 threw the fly away and continued drinking
Person numba 3 took the fly out, slaped it and said “Spit out the tea you drank, u little thing”

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Filed under: Funny and Hilarious Jokes, odds and ends

Top Ten Ways to Stop Global Warming

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  • Posted January 2, 2008 at 8:55 pm

With big prizes on offer for solutions to global warming, I’ve been working on some solutions which will really work. Here are my top ten solutions.

1. Bury all the excess carbon dioxide under mountains of ice in Antarctica. Vostok, the coldest weather station on earth, regularly reaches temperatures of -70 degrees. At atmospheric pressure, carbon dioxide freezes to form dry ice at -78.5 degrees C, but the phase diagram shows that under a few feet of ice carbon dioxide would remain permanently solid and removed from the earth’s ecosystem.

2. Cover desert areas with mirrors to reflect the sun’s radiation back out of the atmosphere, reducing desert temperatures by as much as 20 degrees.

3. Send all the excess carbon dioxide to Mars, along with some plant seeds. If none of these methods work at least Mars will be habitable in 100 years.

4. I’m still thinking about number 4. Once it cools down a bit, & the water has stopped lapping at my toes I should be able to think of some more solutions.