Little Johnny’s father said, “let me see your report card.”Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”"Why not?” His father asked.”My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
___________________________________________________________________

“Hey, Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?”"Certainly not!” answered his mother.”If you do,” Little Johnny went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? what did he say?”"He said, ‘Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’”
___________________________________________________________________

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”Little Johnny said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

___________________________________________________________________

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.” Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

from Chaitalee

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me

Extracts from Resumes

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
Let’s meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a
job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me

Johnny looked into the mirror one night,
And sadly he shook his blond head.
Johnny got down on his knees and he prayed
Before he got in to his bed.”Father, bless Daddy and Mummy I pray,
And Father bless little bro Freddy.
Father bless Rover and my hussy, Spunk,
And don’t forget Rastus, my teddy.
Father, please make me a good boy, and bless
My friends and my teachers at school.
And Father please make me grow big as Jim Hess
‘Coz I reckon that would be cool!O Father, I hate being skinny and small
And laughed at by all the big blokes.
And, Father, I never get picked for their teams,
I’m always the butt of their jokes!O Lord, how I wish I was bigger than them
Like an elephant or a giraffe.
O Lord, how they’d freak and then run for their lives,
Then I’d be the one who would laugh!Or Father, imagine if I was real HUGE
Like Kossie* or Mount Everest.
Then Father, they’d all have to look up to me,
And say, then, that I was the best.
Oh yeah, Lord, and may all the glory be Yours
In Your name Lord Jesus, Amen.
And thanks, Lord.” he prayed and then got In to bed,
Not fretting about it again.
Gabriel listened from heaven and grinned.
He spread his great wings and he flew.
Gabriel landed by Johnny and said:
“I’m Gabriel, mate, how are you?”Johnny looked up and he said “I’m OK.”Said Gabe “I’m from Heaven, you know.
Johnny, we heard that you want to grow big.
Let’s see if we can give it a go.
But, Johnny, we first gotta talk to those hulks
And ask if they’d give us some clues.
‘Coz, Johnny, they’ll tell what it’s like to be huge.”
(For you adults, their called “Interviews”.)
Then Gabriel said “Yeah, but hang on a tick,
Those P.J.s and Ugg boots won’t do!”And Gabriel said “Get some gum boots as well,
It’s grotty and wet at the zoo.”
So Johnny and Gabriel flew there at once.
Old Jumbo was off on his break.
Since Johnny and Gabriel wouldn’t eat hay
He offered them coffee and cake.
Old Jumbo sat back when they asked what he thought.
“Being big has its ups and its downs.
A Jumbo’s opinion can carry some weight,
When you get in a punch-up with clowns.
But elephants, they don’t get much of a chance
When playing a game of test cricket.
An elephant, running, must pull up his pants,
And goes out for crushing the wicket.”Johnny was shocked, for he just could not bear
To be too big to play in a game.
“Johnny,” said J. “Have a word with big Jezz,
I think that he’ll tell you the same.”"Giraffes” said big Jezza “can do good slam dunks.
They can watch the Big Game without paying.
But ‘raffs are quite useless at tiddly winks.
We’re too big if that’s what you’re saying.”Then Gabriel said “Thanks fellas! That helps.”And he waved and he gave them a wink.
“Hey, Gabes!” they both answered “No worries, old mate!
Drop in any time for a drink.”Johnny and Gabriel flew off again
To the summit of Aussie’s Mount Koz*.
Johnny was thinking perhaps after all
He’d be better to stay as he was.
He looked down the mountain and said “What’s the point,
My classmates can’t see me so high!”"Too right!” said the mountain “It’s lonesome up here.
It’s good of you blokes to drop by.”Said Johnny to Gabriel “OK, I see.
I’ll stick to size “Small Men’s” instead.”Said Gabe to young Johnny “Good lad, you’ve got nous.
I’ll drop you back home to your bed.”

From Sharond1

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan’s arm, eye, and dic*. Of course, Tarzan’s jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs — the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dic*. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.”Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee.”"Why’s that?”"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan’s as*.”

From bagabontu

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me

Three guys are stranded on an island and are captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals says to the three men,”I’ll give you all one chance at life. You may choose any one weapon or item that I have in my kingdom. You will be set free for 30 seconds and then my cannibals will come after you. If you escape their grasp, you are free to go. If we capture you, we SKIN YOU FOR A CANOE!!!” He then asks the first guy to choose. Nervous about making the decision, he frantically runs around the kingdom until he stumbles on a little revolver and grabs it and a handful of bullets and takes off! 30 seconds later, as promised, the chief yells out “The hunt is on!!!”.
On that command, hundreds run off into the jungle hunting the man down. In no time they find the man and although he has the gun, there are too many cannibals. They eventually overpower the man surround him and SKIN HIM FOR A CANOE!!!
The chief asks the second man what he would like and seeing what little good the gun or any weapon would do he says to the chief, “Give me your fastest horse!” The chief grants him that and the man books it out ASAP!!! 30 seconds later, the cannibals pursue the man. With their intense knowledge of the terrain and large number, they swiftly surround the man, who was lost and bewildered, and SKIN HIM FOR A CANOE!!!
The chief then asks the third man what weapon or item he would like and the man, who had been contemplating a plan to outsmart the cannibals says to him, “Give me a fork!” The chief amazed and confused at the man’s request says, “A fork! What are you gonna do with a fork???” The man replies, “Just give it to me, dammit!” The chief then hands the man a fork. The man grabs it, starts stabbing himself all over his body and yells out,
” HERE’S TO YOUR F**KIN CANOE!!!”

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” says the kid.

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny, what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in, and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Johnny: “9″
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Johnny: “36″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade,” The teacher said to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.” The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?”
Johnny, after a moment, replies, “legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have, that I do not have?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “pockets.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “put Johnny in the fifth grade, because I missed the last two questions.”

From Chryssi

posted by Varous

Check out Joshing.me