HippoLaxative

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?
Can’t they just get taller women?

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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

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A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He’d pick up a piece of paper and say, “No, no, that’s not it!” After some weeks he was seen by the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist concluded the private was deranged and wrote his discharge from the army. The private picked it up and said, “Yes, that’s it!”

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!” Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, “Peter, come hither!” So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter’s arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can’t believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, “Peter, please, come to me!” By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord’s side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master’s eyes and asks, “yes, my Lord. What is it?” Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, “Look Peter, I can see your house from here!”

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An American, a Japanese man, and a man from a Botswana are in a sauna. There is a ringing sound the American makes his hand into a phone shape, whispers, “Phone call,” to the other two men, and answers it. Then, there’s a beeping noise the Japanese man taps his wrist several times, and says, “I’m being IM’ed.” The Botswanan goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, there’s toilet paper trailing from his ass. The American says, “You know, uh, you have some toilet paper back behind…”

“I’m getting a fax.”

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One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn’t very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket’s left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he’s driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck’s black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, “You’re writing me a ticket!? What for?” The officer replies, “Posession of an illegal fire arm.”

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A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, “give me a drink.” The bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve bears.” The bear says, “well, give me a drink or I’ll eat that woman at the other end of the bar.” The bartender says, “psh, go ahead.” So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, “we don’t serve bears on drugs.” The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, “what? I’m not on drugs.” And the bartender says, “that was a bar-bitch-you-ate”

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Doctor to a woman: The good news is you don’t have PMS…the bad news is your a bitch

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A big scary looking man comes to a trader in a slave market. “Can you sell me ten slaves for some, uh, fun”. “Of course” says the trader. The man picks 10 fittest male slaves, orders them to stay in line and then takes a gun and shoots nine of them at random. The surprised trader asks: “Why the hell didn’t you buy just one instead of wasting 9 perfectly good slaves”. The man answers: “That’s just not the same… Look at that last guy - he has such a tight ass now!”

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